You won’t believe what one Danish ice skater wore to his Olympic performance

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[Editor's note: I originally pounded out this post in a huge rush. It got a lot of views, but suffered from the fact that it didn't make a lot of sense. I decided to take advantage of a brief airport layover to reformulate what I had written into something more sensible. You can check out the replacement post, in case you want to compare for some reason.]

Denmark has had a pretty quiet showing at the Olympic games in Sochi, amassing precisely zero medals thus far.

Meanwhile, giving lie to the aphorism that any publicity is good publicity, the country has managed to make headlines in the world of sports for the sharpshooting talents of the Copenhagen Zookeepers:

A Danish zoo sparked outrage Sunday when it put down a healthy young giraffe . . . The fate of 18-month-old Marius shocked animal lovers around the world, with thousands signing an online petition to save him and a billionaire offering to buy him and keep him in his Beverly Hills garden.

However last-ditch efforts to spare Marius were to no avail . . . A crowd of visitors, including small children, looked on as the giraffe was put down. Some grimaced while others took photos as he was autopsied and chopped up.

Apparently no one told Denmark that shooting giraffe is a competition traditionally held during the Summer Olympics. (Unsurprisingly, Kazakhstan dominates.)

But Denmark wasn’t done. In an event that has yet to air in the United States, the country sent one of its skaters out onto the ice looking like this:

giraffe skater

Apparently, Denmark also has the tradition of using every part of the animal.

[Editor's note: This post involves more wishful thinking than usual. That picture is actually from 1998, and depicts Russian gold-medalist Ilia Kulik. But if this guy actually was a modern Dane, we could start to answer a lot of questions like: What in the world was this figure skater thinking? and What did the Copenhagen Zoo do with Marius the giraffe's hide?]

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