When two free copies of WIRED arrived in the mail, I felt compelled to read them – primarily because I feel the need to read everything that comes my way in print. (Confession: one ‘corner’ of my room is dedicated to stacks upon stacks upon boxes of New Yorkers, etc., dating back to high school, and I still have every intention of getting to them – eventually.)
This was not the first time I’ve read WIRED (in print or online), but it was the first time I had read it in a while, so I was mildly surprised to find a bundle of content on a decidedly non-wired topic: pirates. The magazine contained eight pages (not counting ads) dedicated exclusively to pirates (like
Kim Dotcom Edward Teach). By far the highlight was a short bombshell cannonball entitled ‘An arrrrrrcane bit of arrrrmchair history about a piece of pirate arrrrgot’:
“Tis a rule of health I learned while sailing under the immortal Hawke, arr!” Spoken by actor Robert Newton in the 1950 Disney film Treasure Island, that line is the ur-arr, the first occurrence of the infamous pirate catchphrase. In Robert Louis Stevenson’s original book, characters use the interjection ah 35 times. As in, “Ah, they was a sweet crew, they was!” The hammy actor Newton delivered his lines for Long John Silver in his Cornwall accent, adding a rolling r sound and thus creating a classic meme. See if you can solve these riddles using proper pirate-speak.
Before we get to the riddles, two things. One, these are not riddles – they are lame pirate jokes. Two, another confession: lame pirate jokes might just be one of my favorite things, but even so, I was unable to solve all of them (the ones that stumped me [pun intended] denoted in bold below). So if you somehow manage all ten, shoot me an email and I will… I dunno, I guess an appropriate prize would be a cracker. And I’ll probably send any future pirate jokes I come across/up with your way. Without further ado:
Who be a pirate’s favorite droid?
What ancient mathematician be the pirate favorite?
What element do pirates find to be the most noble?
What condiment do pirates add to their fish and chips?
What classic videogame console do pirates like best?
Who be the pirates’ favorite Green Bay Packers QB? [Editor’s note: I had a perfectly acceptable answer that was not, apparently, what WIRED had in mind.]
Who be a pirate’s favorite half of a 1960s folk duo?
What radio network do pirates prefer?
What Canadian indie rock band do pirates enjoy?
What form of alternative dispute resolution do pirates prefer when they be askin’ a neutral third party to impose a legally bindin’ decision?
And while I’m at it, I would be remiss in failing to mention a short-lived* Twittarrrrr feed for which I may or may not have been responsible. A sample:
*Until I dug it up just moments ago, I was under the impression that it was somewhat longer-lived than it actually was. Should have written ‘really short-lived’
And the answer to the riddle in the title? Paparrrr Treigarrrr. (Final confession: I’m quite liberal when it comes to phonetics – and other things.)
With appreciation to Yoni Treiger for the photo suggestion. We’ll find that buried treasure some day.