Why I wouldn’t bet on Hope Solo’s babies

When Trey Griffey was born (in 1994), then-Mariners GM Woody Woodward mailed him a contract dated “2012”. And had Trey inherited his dad’s baseball talent, that contract would have probably been worth it.

Fast-forward to 2012. Check that: stay right where you are — it’s 2012 right now! for now.

As it turns out, Trey decided to pursue football over baseball — but no matter what sport he settled on, people remain interested in his progress because, in part, they believe athletic ability can be genetically inherited.

That belief is not without good reason. After all, Ken Griffey lived 20 years, and he begat Ken Griffey, Jr.… begat Trey. Nevertheless, it often ignores an important part of the hereditary process — you know, the part that supplies the other half of the child’s DNA. You see, I’m fairly certain Woody Woodward didn’t consider Melissa Griffey’s baseball skills when offering newborn Trey a contract.

And that’s an oversight. Trey chose football over baseball and will never play for the Seattle Mariners.

This evening, I came across an article in the Seattle Times, Jerramy Stevens released after arrest on suspicion of assaulting fiancee, Hope Solo. Now, I do not mean to make light of domestic violence. If the allegations are true, they are obviously serious – though I will note that, as of now, the couple still intends to wed this coming Tuesday. So without dwelling on the more unsavory aspects of the episode, I would like to focus your attention on the following tidbit of information I gleaned from the headline: former Seahawk TE Jerramy Stevens and Sounders goalie Hope Solo hope to one day soon be married. And for the sake of argument, I’m going to assume that the two plan to one day have kids.

Now, I don’t know much about Hope Solo, aside from her name, which means that she’s probably talented — and on that limited basis, it’s hard to characterize this marriage as anything but a disaster for her gene pool.

So before the Seattle Sounders Women sign New Hope Stevens through 2040, I would urge them to consider the identity of the (presumed) father. You see, Solo’s kid is going to make for one ineffectual goalie when the ball keeps slipping through her fingers:

I was surprised when, even after searching up and down Youtube, I could find nothing like ‘Jerramy Stevens Greatest Hits’. Compiled ironically, of course.


Melissa and Ken were obviously instrumental in bringing Trey into this world, but don’t think for a second that the Mariners never considered simply cloning the father:

Another thing not to think for a second: that this commercial features the Twins by accident.

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