I promise, Paper Treiger is not turning into a blog about Comedy Central’s late-night lineup. But before I make it stop looking suspiciously like that’s just what’s happening, I first owe Jon Stewart one more apology.
On April 7, I wrote that poor Mr. Leibowitz had become — as I put it — sort of adorably predictable. In the course of making this allegation, I not-so-boldly predicted that the Daily Show host would invoke Star Wars at least once over the coming week. I say the prediction was not-so-bold because it seemed at the time like hardly a week goes by — if not an episode — when he doesn’t somehow use Star Wars for an easy punchline. I was sure this was the safest bet in the world. I would have even put money on it.
And, as it turns out, I would have been out some money.
I just finished watching every episode of the Daily Show from the week of April 8 (with the exception of the Edie Falco interview, because I’m not that masochistic), and was shocked to discover that Jon Stewart did not once compare the Pope to the Evil Emperor — or otherwise invoke the galaxy far, far away.
So my apologies to Jon Stewart. Predictable as I thought, you are not.
Apology complete, I will note that he called out Star Wars — by name — in his first episode the following week, on April 16. But that’s not what I predicted, so all it counts for is trolling me.
Meanwhile, on the Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert also got in on the trolling. He waited only minutes — six minutes and forty seconds, to be exact — into Monday night’s episode to accuse Prez Billy Jeff of playing Jedi mind tricks on him.
But Colbert wasn’t happy rubbing salt in my wound just once, and waited only two minutes and forty seconds into Wednesday’s episode to draw the obvious parallel between the Navy’s new laser gun and the Death Star.
And in case hogging all the Star Wars references for the week wasn’t bad enough, Colbert topped off the segment by butchering my favorite line from Star Wars (and one that I deployed to better effect just last month), when he inexplicably told the ewoks, “I find your lack of faith highly laserable.”
So, to give this genre the respect it deserves, I present the following exploration compiled by myself and Mr. James Katz:
If Darth Vader were to appear in an xkcd comic strip: “I find your lack of face disturbing.”
If someone writes an email without a single capital letter: “I find your lack of case disturbing.”
If someone hacked into your computer network and you have no way of finding out who it was: “I find your lack of trace disturbing.”
If you are sucked into a singularity (in the sense of a black hole): “I find your lack of space disturbing.”
If you run into a Victoria’s Secret model on the street: “I find your lack of lace disturbing.”
If you’re playing poker and your opponent was bluffing: “I find your lack of ace disturbing.”
If you ever meet Michael Jackson: “I find your lack of race disturbing.”
If you find a dreidel outside the Land of Israel: “I find your lack of neis disturbing.”
If you encountered Dick Cheney’s heart: “I find your lack of pace disturbing.”
If you encounter a hiker in Yellowstone without any bear spray: “I find your lack of mace disturbing.”
If a song sounds too light and needs more depth: “I find your lack of bass disturbing.”
If you give someone flowers but nothing to hold them in: “I find your lack of vase disturbing.”
If you talk to a Palestinian: “I find your lack of place disturbing.”
If you’re being pursued by someone and their resolve fails: “I find your lack of chase disturbing.”
If CATS attacks your spaceship but it turns out you have no central refueling location: “I find your lack of base disturbing.” (See here.)
If you want to perform at a venue and they don’t have a stage: “I find your lack of dais disturbing.”
If you see someone with a recently-injured knee walking around in just pants: “I find your lack of brace disturbing.”
If you’re having phosphorylation issues: “I find your lack of kinase disturbing.”
If you’re an environmentalist concerned about climate change and disappointed by Obama’s unfulfilled promise to implement tougher carbon standards by executive fiat: “I find your lack of ukase disturbing.”
If you finish a meal and rush out without saying birkat hamazon: “I find your lack of grace disturbing.”
Feel free to supplement in the comments.