The email that made me question what religion I belong to

I’m sure I was not alone in receiving spam from OnlySimchas on behalf of “Aishel Rashbi” with the subject line, “If you are single this is an email you will never forget”. But for those of you who were not lucky enough to be on the receiving end of this special offer, I’ve decided to share it with you. Feel free to add your own commentary in the comments – or just tell me I’m a bad person (I’m convinced this is all a joke anyway, so I won’t feel too bad):

Email body

Now, until reading that email I thought I was Jewish — or, more precisely, I thought I was familiar with basic concepts and ideas in the Jewish religion. Now, I’m not so sure: The heliege Saint Yonasan ben Uziel? The Rasha”sh? 160 Silver Coins Tikkun? Chessed Talisim? Wealth Coins? Sounds to me — appropriately enough — like just what you’d need to construct a Golden Calf.

Even that one Hebrew phrase the email drops casually — בחסד השם — I’m fairly certain I’ve never encountered before.

But though I’m apparently more unfamiliar with the Jewish religion than I ever suspected, I did recognize a few names of the participants. Shlomo Amar, Sephardic Chief Rabbi of Israel. Meir Carlebach? I imagine he likes to sing, plus Only Simchas reports he got married four years ago. And Yisroel Pinto, no relation I’m sure to the Rabbi Yehoshuah Pinto who was arrested in 2012 on suspicion of bribery, but who apparently also likes to give away money: in this case, 640 “Wealth Coins”, which the email promises to distribute on the basis of zrizin makdimin lzuzim.

The email concludes, “All proceeds go to feeding the poor and needy under the auspices of Hachnosas Orchim Miron.” I’m sure the charity is for a wonderful cause (unlike the one belonging to the other R. Pinto), but I also found the prospect of it turning a profit sort of curious given that the email not only nowhere mentions a fee but explicitly promises to give away 640 Wealth Coins!

I suppose the implied exchange sounds a little more legitimate when you consider that from the context of the email, Wealth Coins seem to confer not wealth but shidduch-finding abilities. If there was only one Wealth Coin instead of 640, maybe it would confer invisibility. Alternatively, the former facilitates the latter — it’s possible we’re dealing here with causation and not correlation.

Even if the event is a thinly-veiled fundraiser, the deal seems almost too good to be true: Wealth Coins and a spouse? At a single singles event!? Well, like any good Jew, I was curious to find out how much it costs — and I wasn’t going to dial long-distance to find out. Even clicking on the provided link didn’t reveal what precisely it would take to attend the miraculous seance.

But just as I reached the precipice of despair and seriously contemplated taking the plunge to relieve my suffering – by calling – I noticed one last line of the email (in red) that rendered all my previous effort and curiosity for naught:

But

The email, alas, only arrived in my inbox on Monday, June 3, 2013 at 5:44 PM. If only it had come just 16 hours sooner, I would probably be married by now.

Back to my suffering, I suppose.

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