The Great When-was-Jessica-Chastain-a-baby Mystery of 2013

According to the The USA Today, Jessica Chastain allegedly has a birthday — but she’s never gonna tell:

Age is a sensitive topic for actresses. Jessica Chastain has gone on the record saying that she will never reveal her age because she’s an “actress.” (It’s widely speculated she is 35 years old.)

If true, I would certainly consider this secrecy somewhat regrettable. I, for one, had been planning to play her a powerful piano (oxymorn?*) rendition of Deutschland über alles** to mark the anniversary of her birth.

*Not a typo

**In honor of my favorite (brief) scene in The Debt, in which Ms. Chastain receives star billing.

Despite the potential for personal disappointment, as a (somewhat) notorious birthday grinch*, I was also (somewhat) intrigued: Chastain wasn’t born in a third-world country and the year is 2013. It should be next-to impossible for famous people to get away with these shenanigans in this day and age.

*See, Paranoia doesn’t mean Facebook isn’t really out to get you for the story of how Mark Zuckerberg outed my birthday decoy

So I decided to take a look for myself:

How old is Jessica Chastain

First of all, take that wide speculation!

Second of all, Google, why are you dumbing down my prose and then proposing to fix it back up for me?

Third of all:

How old is Mordechai Treiger

#winning #nobirthday #atleastuntilIgetaWikipediapage

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