Real patriots don’t root for New England

Don’t let their name fool you: real patriots don’t root for the Patriots. And I’m not just talking about the fact that the Seahawks were recently revealed to be Barack Obama’s secret weapon in the war against ISIS. No. This is about who we, as Americans, can trust to secure our Super Bowl rings. And while the Seahawks can obviously be trusted to handle international affairs, the same cannot be said about New England.

You may or may not recall an incident which came to light two summers ago, when Patriots owner Robert Kraft revealed that he had surrendered a Super Bowl ring to one Mr. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin: “I put my hand out and he put it in his pocket, and three KGB guys got around him and walked out.” In other words, though his team may exercise suspiciously excellent ball control, Kraft himself exercises conspicuously terrible ring control. Do you really want to risk the possibility that another Super Bowl ring will fall into the hands (or more specifically, onto the fingers) of the Russian despot?

And if for some reason you don’t think that risk is really all that terrifying, please allow me to remind you of what Putin said when he first handled Kraft’s ring: “I took out the ring and showed it to [Putin], and he put it on and he goes, ‘I can kill someone with this ring.’” And trust me, when Vladimir says he can kill ‘someone’, he already has that someone in mind: a journalist, a dissident, a former spy, a Ukrainian, a fallen oligarch, what have you.

So forget about “Legion of Boom”: it’s time for the Fellowship of the Ring — led by hobbit-in-chief Russell Wilson (“Fair and black again“) — to do everything in its power to keep this year’s edition away from the once and future Lord of the Rings. The Russian Orthodox Church may have recently vetoed the erection of an Eye of Sauron in Moscow, but you’re not really fooling anybody, Vlady. Go Hawks.

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