How Seattle could lose on Sunday by winning

Boston Mayor Martin Walsh was too scared to place the traditional Super Bowl bet against Seattle Mayor Ed Murray, but — have no fear! — New England managed to turn up a stand-in: Providence, R.I., Mayor Jorge Elorza.

If the Patriots win, Murray will send Elorza “a package of Northwest alder-smoked salmon from Pure Food Fish Market, coffee beans from the original Starbucks at Pike Place Market and a giant bag of Marshawn Lynch’s favorite snack, Skittles.” Even if certain items are of somewhat dubious quality *cough* Starbucks *cough*, at the very least, this basket is pretty authentically Seattle.

But when the Seahawks win, here’s the dreck Murray earns in return:

One: A basket with Olneyville New York System hot wiener sauce spice mix

OK, sort of weird New England is sending over something New York.

Two: El Quetzal Bakery sweet bread

So now something from Central America. I suppose understandable in light of the Mayor’s name, but the connection to New England is less than perfectly clear. Also moderately questionable: sourcing un-choice cuts of meat from a bakery!

When are we going to get something legitimately New England? Like maybe a quahog. (I don’t know much about New England.) (Yes, I live in New England.)

Three: Trinity Brewhouse IPA beer

Trinity? You Puritans were not big fans of Catholic theology or, so far as I can tell, the whole concept of the Holy Trinity. Who do you think you’re fooling here? Oh right, Seattle.

Alcohol, though, sounds a bit more appropriate — even though your hops were prooooobably grown in Washington (state).

Four: Music by Deer Tick

No. Ew. Gross. I mean, I guess I’m glad to finally see something authentically New England, but how about you all keep your deer ticks where they belong, i.e. as far away from Seattle as possible?

This whole “victory” basket is a disgrace. When Murrary receives it in the mail (perhaps via the Seattle-founded, Rhode Island-branded [Brown] UPS), there’s only one right option: Return to Sender.


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