Mystery solved: The Daily Pennsylvanian is in the pocket of Big Marble

A month and a half ago — though my outrage is still fresh like it was yesterday — I wrote a post that insinuated the Daily Pennsylvanian is a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life, and mean. And mean, etc. And by insinuated, I mean that was the exact title of the post in question.

It’s possible I was slightly mistaken. As it turns out, it’s more than just that the Daily Pennsylvanian is a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life, and mean. And mean, etc. It’s that whoever runs the paper these days has been blinded by the sickeningly obsequious DP columnist who goes by the name of Will Marble — if that’s his real name.

Marble’s final column was published today, just in time for graduation, and the departing senior took the opportunity to thank several Daily Pennsylvanian staffers by name: Sarah, Seth, Jody, etc. You can read the full list yourself, but I assure you: They all sound like plausible names of people who are in college.

Here’s why this matters: I finally understand why the DP was so eager to bestow upon Marble the illustrious title of “First!” —

— in the face of all objective evidence that I beat him by a full minute:

You see, Marble’s not just some guy who responded to the April Fool’s edition, as I had originally imagined. He’s actually some columnist who also happens to be good friends with everyone on the staff. Maybe in 2009, back when I wrote columns for the DP (here’s one they refused to publish) and knew many of the lovely and talented editors who roamed its halls at that time, my tweet would have garnered the recognition it deserved.

But the times they are a-changin’, and now I’m just some alumnus who still follows @dailypenn on Twitter and pathetically points out every time the account makes a typo. No wonder the people in charge either have no idea who I am or are slightly resentful of my existence. Alas, I’ve come to understand that this is my lot in life, and also another important lesson: to the Marble go the spoils.

And while I now better understand precisely what happened, this does not mean that I forgive. And this does not mean that I forget.

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One thought on “Mystery solved: The Daily Pennsylvanian is in the pocket of Big Marble”

  1. I will never be this happy ever again. Did you guys notice the back leg bands are fitted? And it’s perfectly tailored around the little goat booty? I can’t handle this. I need an inhaler.

    Like

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