Thanks to Rudyard Kipling, we know how the leopard got his spots, how the camel got his humps, how the tiger got his stripes, how the whale got his throat, and so on.* Among his beloved Just So Stories is one titled The Crab That Played with the Sea, which tells of how the crab was transformed from a large animal into a tiny one.**
*His, His, His. Perhaps the reason evolution is never the agent of change in Kipling’s work is that all his animals are male, which would have rendered the hereditary transmission of beneficial mutations an unlikely explanation for the metamorphoses*** they inevitably undergo.
**The crab was sooooo big and now it’s sooooo small.
Admittedly, notorious C.R.A.B. Marshawn Lynch is decidedly not a tiny animal, but were Kipling alive today, he would surely jump at the opportunity to tell the world how the Marshawn Lynch got his wound. Because he is not, I will happily carry the football.
To determine how the Marshawn Lynch got his wound, it would obviously be helpful to identify just what injury it is he’s got (and no, not in the sense of, “I know I’m gonna get got, but I’m going to get mine more than I get got“). Luckily, the reason the Marshawn has missed more time than not this season — and remains uncertain to play this coming Sunday — is common knowledge: he underwent surgery for a sports hernia in late November.
And what exactly is the nature of a sports hernia? According to the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons, it is “a painful, soft tissue injury that occurs in the groin area.” Having now located the locus of the Marshawn’s misery, I think it’s clear that explaining what he may have done to aggravate that part of the body does not require the talent and imagination of a Rudyard Kipling. Indeed, we could probably ask Darren Sharper to explain it to us — if only he weren’t spending at least the next nine years in prison [Update, 8/18/2016: He got 18. Were he Jewish, I’d call that a life sentence.] for, uh, repeating what Marshawn Lynch once famously said to him:
Something tells me that even if the Marshawn Lynch does make it back onto the field against Carolina, the NFL won’t have to threaten him with a fine every time he scores a touchdown (ken yirbu). Hopefully, like at the end of every worthwhile story, lesson learned.