Where exactly have you heard Uptown Funk before?

Like “Let It Go” last Passover, the Parody of Purim 2015 was Uptown Funk — in a runaway. I’ve come across four renditions of “Shushan Funk”, and there are almost certainly more out there:

The one guy Russell Wilson needs to stop taking advice from

In his column published in Derek Jeter’s The Player’s Tribune today, Seahawks QB Russell Wilson wrote about some of the individuals he leans on for support and draws on for advice. DangeRuss mentioned only one person by name who does not play football for a living (like Marshawn Lynch, Jermaine Kearse, and Doug Baldwin) or work directly for a football team (e.g. Michael Gervais) — and I’m here to tell him he should probably stop doing that:

Colbert needs another lesson in biology

Almost exactly one week ago, I gave Colbert a little lesson on rodent taxonomy (serious business, as you may recall). And now, time for another quick biology lesson.

On last night’s episode, Stephen presented the results of the Mississippi Republican primary, in which Thad Cochran defeated Chris McDaniel by the slimmest of margins:

What that Michael Jackson paternity test can really tell us

In 1983, Michael Jackson released Billie Jean, a song in which he denied the paternity of a child born to a woman named, well, Billie Jean. Just one year beforehand, a musical acquaintance of Jackson’s — named Miki “Billy” Howard — had given birth to a son named Brandon.

Coincidence?

At the time, DNA testing was not yet available, so one way to judge paternity was just by looking. The problem, of course, was that young Brandon looked much like any other baby, and had not yet grown into the Michael Jackson clone you can see above.

Of course, now that DNA testing does exist, we get stories like the one that appeared today on E! Online, Michael Jackson Love Child? Singer Brandon Howard’s DNA Is an Alleged 99.9 Percent Match to the King of Pop:

First, my apologies (again) to Jon Stewart; Second, I show Stephen Colbert how it’s done

I promise, Paper Treiger is not turning into a blog about Comedy Central’s late-night lineup. But before I make it stop looking suspiciously like that’s just what’s happening, I first owe Jon Stewart one more apology.

On April 7, I wrote that poor Mr. Leibowitz had become — as I put it — sort of adorably predictable. In the course of making this allegation, I not-so-boldly predicted that the Daily Show host would invoke Star Wars at least once over the coming week. I say the prediction was not-so-bold because it seemed at the time like hardly a week goes by — if not an episode — when he doesn’t somehow use Star Wars for an easy punchline. I was sure this was the safest bet in the world. I would have even put money on it.

And, as it turns out, I would have been out some money.

I just finished watching every episode of the Daily Show from the week of April 8 (with the exception of the Edie Falco interview, because I’m not that masochistic), and was shocked to discover that Jon Stewart did not once compare the Pope to the Evil Emperor — or otherwise invoke the galaxy far, far away.

So my apologies to Jon Stewart. Predictable as I thought, you are not.

Apology complete, I will note that he called out Star Wars — by name — in his first episode the following week, on April 16. But that’s not what I predicted, so all it counts for is trolling me.

Meanwhile, on the Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert also got in on the trolling. He waited only minutes — six minutes and forty seconds, to be exact — into Monday night’s episode to accuse Prez Billy Jeff of playing Jedi mind tricks on him.

But Colbert wasn’t happy rubbing salt in my wound just once, and waited only two minutes and forty seconds into Wednesday’s episode to draw the obvious parallel between the Navy’s new laser gun and the Death Star.

And in case hogging all the Star Wars references for the week wasn’t bad enough, Colbert topped off the segment by butchering my favorite line from Star Wars (and one that I deployed to better effect just last month), when he inexplicably told the ewoks, “I find your lack of faith highly laserable.”

So, to give this genre the respect it deserves, I present the following exploration compiled by myself and Mr. James Katz:

The narrative is wrong: Russell Wilson makes questionable decisions, too

[Update/Disclaimer: For people coming from the Tribune, I think you’ll have to agree, too. For people coming over from Q13FOX, three quick things: 1) This link showed up in the comments of that article as a backtrack, not because I put it there. 2) If you’re looking for serious Russell Wilson analysis, this is not the place. 3) That said, you might enjoy this one about how not to measure ROTY.]

Sunday’s playoff game between the Seahawks and the Redskins was billed as the matchup of dynamic first-year running quarterbacks Russell Wilson and Robert Griffin III. The two obviously have a lot in common, but this post will highlight their widely-lauded decision-making abilities, with a critical focus on those of Wilson. I’m certainly not the first one to note his decision-making ability:

Google bombs can now target your face

If you weren’t familiar with Google bombs before the recently-deceased Republican primaries, you are now. But where Google bombs were once merely textual, Google’s recent makeover has enabled an all-new visual – and therefore, more visceral – application of the process.

Most search results are unchanged, but – in an effort to synthesize some information about the search subject without forcing users to click on anything – some will now be accompanied by the ‘Knowledge Graph’. Why Google thought teaching its users to click less would be a good idea is beyond me – after all, the company makes its money on clicks – but I’m not complaining: as you may have gathered from the title of this post, the Knowledge Graph opens new creative horizons in Google bombing. And while the examples I managed to scrounge up so far are certainly not without explanation, I wonder how long it will take for people to start stacking the Image results.