The Big Short taught me one thing: Michael Scott pushed the wrong kind of paper

I found The Big Short difficult to watch, not because it does a poor job both man- and womansplaining complicated financial instruments, but because whenever Steve Carell is on screen I can’t help seeing Michael Scott.

And the confusion, in this case, was not purely a figment of my imagination. Indeed, my main takeaway from the Big Short is that the big banks that caused the financial collapse were more oblivious than the World’s Best Boss himself. Don’t believe me?

Compare, The Big Short, around the one hour, nine minute mark:

Not sure whether Frozen actually has a homosexual agenda? Maybe this will convince you

Frozen came out in November, but it’s still making headlines — thanks to little girls dragging their mothers to the theater a half dozen times and because of the ongoing controversy over its overt homosexual agenda.

But don’t take my word for it.

The latest round of headlines came when alleged Pastor Kevin Swanson blasted the movie for trying to “indoctrinate” children into becoming gay. He didn’t much elaborate on those comments, but I invite you to recall the headlines of last month — including “Disney’s ‘Frozen’ Slammed By Mormon Grandmother For ‘Gay Agenda To Normalize Homosexuality’” — for a more thorough exploration:

One analyst hilariously misses the point, so let me try to help him out

First Take, shortly after the Superbowl [excerpted below]:

Skip, you started out on a promising note:

I was dead wrong about this game. I had Denver, the favorite, winning a close, low-scoring game. Forty three to eight? Are you kidding me? So, my big-picture take-away is that . . .

So far, so good. Go on…

. . . my big-picture take-away is that on a night that was made outdoors, in New Jersey, in February, for Peyton Manning — almost fifty degrees at kickoff! — and with today’s rules, obviously, favoring the offense to score nothing but point after point after point, that Seattle defense shocked me by making a case, making a statement, and we will debate this a little later in the show, that it should be the unit considered for all-time greatness, because it didn’t just dominate Peyton Manning & Company, I thought it basically bullied Peyton Manning & Company . . .

But I’m gonna have to stop you there. Yes, everything you just said is basically true, but I don’t know that it’s the big-picture take-away anyone was looking for. But you were so close, so let’s try this again, from the top:

Look who’s tracking back to me now

WordPress tracks certain visitor statistics. It doesn’t break down information visitor-by-visitor, but it does tell you, in the aggregate, how they made it to your blog, what pages they looked at, where in the world they come from, and what they clicked on while they were around.

This morning, I noticed something curious: someone had pointed to Paper Treiger from Buzzfeed. That alone was somewhat unusual. But the mystery deepened when I saw the specific url:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/shabnamsa/12-signs-that-you-are-probably-a-muslim-living-in-ct8y

Oh no. My — obvious — first thought was that I’d said something offensive. I know I’m not so good at filtering. And now, I was about to make it onto a list of annoying things people say to Muslims all the time because they just don’t get it. Whoops. I imagined last week’s 21 Things That Happen When You Don’t Eat Meat, except I’d be coming at it from the other side.

I expected the worst. I had to click.

And I had my Avital Chizhik-in-the-NYTimes moment. The list’s full title turned out to be 12 Signs That You Are Probably A Muslim Living In America #MuslimProblems. More importantly, nearly every single item on the list was immediately familiar to this Orthodox Jew. Replace Eid with Succot, Muslim with Jew, Arabic with Hebrew, and Buzzfeed could have a whole ‘nother listicle on its hands. As if we need another one.

The only item I couldn’t really relate to:

Is Michael Scott haunting the Daily Show?

The Office is set to air its final installment ten days from today, and the show’s creators intend to turn that last hurrah into a reunion episode. Though Steve Carell/Michael Scott is not currently scheduled to participate, speculation is rampant that he might make an unexpected appearance.

Meanwhile, another former employer of Mr. Carell’s doesn’t have to worry about when its former reporter will make an unexpected appearance: the Daily Show still enjoys the presence of his spirit — or, at least, Michael Scott’s — eight years after he left the show.

I present select [images of] footage from last Thursday’s two-segment series, Zero Dark 900,000:

Could 2013 be the best year for online comments ever?

If you made it this far online, you’re no doubt familiar with the mantra: Don’t read comments on the internet — for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who or who you are with, or or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever. (~Michael Scott)

As recently as yesterday, I was fully on board with that message. I even retweeted a pair of tweets (what else do you retweet?) to that effect:

"What an interesting article! I can't wait to read what the average internet denizen thinks about it!" Just stop right there. You're wrong.

— Don't Read The Comments (@AvoidComments) December 4, 2012

Nobody on their deathbed ever said, "I wish I had spent more time reading internet comments."

— Don't Read The Comments (@AvoidComments) December 7, 2012

In fact, my resolve was fortified as recently as this morning, when I experienced first-hand adventures in commenting in response to my most recent thoughts on Russell Wilson.

Still, I found myself reflexively reading comments — because I will do anything not to study — and for the first time in recent memory, it paid off: I came across perhaps one of my favorite online comments ever.

Some quick background: On Sunday against the Redskins, the Seahawks lost their leading pass-rusher, DE Chris Clemons, for the rest of the season (i.e. through the Super Bowl). To replace him, they signed Patrick Chukwurah, who hasn’t played in the NFL since 2008 and hails from Nigeria. And so it was that in a thread announcing the signing, I came across my favorite comment of all time:

Now that I know who Gary Hart is, I can make inappropriate jokes about him

In a post primarily about opening paragraphs, it would be disingenuous to simply erase the original without explanation. It read [before this post was updated on June 6]:

I’ve never heard of Gary Hart, but he was recently published in the Huffington Post – joining such luminaries as (checking the website) James Franco, Nick Offerman, and Gilah Kletenik – so he must be kind of a big deal.

Turns out, I was right: Gary Hart is kind of a big deal.

When Hart declared his candidacy for President of the United States in 1987, he was an early frontrunner for the Democratic nomination. But almost immediately, Hart found himself facing charges of infidelity. In an interview with The New York Times, Hart dared the media:

Follow me around. I don’t care. I’m serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They’ll be very bored.

Five days and one photograph of the candidate aboard the yacht Monkey Business – with a nice piece of tail (oh, the irony) in his lap – later, Hart pulled out of the race (but, one imagines, not out of anything else).

I relate this story because Hart’s piece – Is Progress Possible? – reads like it was written by an intern (if you know what I mean) who didn’t pay attention in high school English (you’ll find out what I mean). In particular, the article’s opening paragraphs read like a parody of Michael Scott’s toast at Phyllis’ wedding (two choices: one, watch the clip,* two, cliff notes:** Michael Scott likes to try 3-4 opening lines):

Progress, according to Oxford, is: forward movement, advance, development, improvement; and progressive is: moving forward, proceeding step by step, rapid reform, modern, efficient. Not too bad in describing Emerson’s party of hope.

Everybody knows that dictionary definitions are the worst kind of cliche opening. Wait, that was Hart’s second paragraph? His first attempt was even worse:

He who controls the meaning of words defines the debate. George Orwell, among others, understood this very well.

This is a topic George Orwell wrote about. How is this in any way worse? Oh. Go on:

He who controls the meaning of words defines the debate. George Orwell, among others, understood this very well. ‘All animals are equal. Some are more equal than others,” for example.

No.

I mean, Yes: George Orwell is your man. But if you’re looking for an example of ‘the meaning of words defines the debate’, you don’t go with Animal Farm. The example – literally, the archetypal example – just so happens to have also been created by Orwell, but it was newspeak, and it was in Nineteen Eighty-Four.

Now you know what I meant about high school English.

His byline tells me that Gary Hart is the President of Hart International (haha, ‘Intern’ – admittedly, these jokes make more sense with Bill, but they were both Democrats who aspired to the Presidency and couldn’t keep it in their pants, so). I think we can all be thankful that Gary left the far superior name to Hart(zl).

That said, it’s only fair: Gary Hart did more thinking with his… other parts of his body than with his heart.

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*Highly recommended – it’s not long, and it is Michael Scott

**Turns out they are ‘Cliffs Notes’; why does anyone trust a guy who can’t use an apostrophe?

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Special thanks to Joan and Rachel’s mom for helping me get the story right